New Clinic, Accompanied by the Inner Freak Out

  • Some parts are great and impressive and Wow, I've missed you. And some parts are FREAKED OUT and depressive and Go Away, please. I write this to share how I feel and to process, and also for those about to take the leap, or in the mists. Your crazy is not alone. I have mine out right now too.

      • My crazy looks like this.

          • Waking at 4 to 5 am every morning ready for the day in that empty, wired way. Accompanying this is cock's crow diarrhea (I do hope you learned this diagnosis in your intro to TCM class).

              • At every moment, I am sure there is something I should be doing, I'm just not sure what it is.

                  • That app that I loved so much that shows me how many appointments I have each day, is now driving me insane. I need to delete it so that I stop checking my numbers, but just can't do it. I'm addicted.

                      • I long for recreation, and I look at it now as medicine. If I get the opportunity, I remind myself how I really NEED this to stay healthy. Hopefully someone asks me to do something at least once a week. Without an invite, I will just keep checking my appointment app and trying to remember what I should be doing.

                          • When I'm home, I call my office phone to get messages to make sure no one has called and complained. I think this is one of the things I dislike most about my psyche right now – ego presenting as EGO. Fear that someone will complain. That I left a needle in. That they had a bad experience. After practicing for 6 years, I know this is bound to happen. And it is okay. It's just that my brain and heart feel that they can't handle a complaint right now. That if someone doesn't like me or my clinic, I will just fall apart. I know I won't. I survived it before and it actually helped me feel more stalwart in who I am, the choices I make and what I want to provide to people. But it is that preemptive fear that holds my heart and makes it skip beats and speed up for no immediate reason.

                              • In these times of inner crisis and inner crazy, I have been remembering that none of this matters. You know, that very broad, ever reaching, we are all tiny grains of sand in a giant universe with no answers to the big questions idea. I ask EGO to get smaller and more manageable. Freaking out helps me stay on top of things a bit, but I need to let some things go. I need to remember why I am doing this. Drop the ego and think about the community around me. Get out of my story and see the bigger picture.

                                  • In the past two years, I lost my step mom to sudden cancer. She left us with grace and beauty. And she left us fast. My BFF got diagnosed with colon cancer. She just finished chemo. She and her two little kiddos and her husband all live with a very different sense of reality now. I remember how very delicate we are and how amazingly lucky I am to do something I love, something I believe in. I finally opened my own place after practicing in others spaces for 6 years and now I get to create the container for this kick-ass community that is already taking beautiful shape after being open for only 2 months. Community acupuncture attracts a beautiful, rich, loving community.

                                      • Human beauty, richness and love are the best combatants to the crazy and the EGO. So it all evens out in the end. And that community is the part that matters. That's what I should meditate on as I fall off to sleep at night and as my eyes blink open with amazing speed and dexterity at 4 am in the morning.

Author: POCAGuestBlog

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  1. Hi Nicole, I know I already told you this, but it was so great for me to share with an occasional MAS patient, that he has a clinic in FLEMINGTON, where he lives. All of that is because you opened a clinic in your home town. So, don’t forget that POCA has your back.

  2. An Energy Medicine healer I like defines FEAR as “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Seems right by me.

    The dramas you describe are the kinds of things that can, at one time or another, come up for any of us (and others who risk-take owning their own businesses). I think it reminds us that our businesses and practices are, foremost, “vehicles for our innermost self-discovery, healing, and Soul-Full empowerment.”

    I would venture to say that… the more success-full we become with the “inner journeys” aspects of our clinics – i.e. growing ourselves from the inside-out all the way to our Souls – the more successful, easy, and abundant become the healing and business sides of our practices.

  3. I am right there with ya, dear one. Thanks for sharing! It is so easy to forget that caregivers need care, too. Really appreciate your honesty and grateful to be on this road with you.

  4. Great writing Nicole, you inspire me to get my crazy into the exact words- I sometimes remember that the patients I’m going to treat are also suffering from stress/anxiety/whatever I’m dealing with so if the idea is to function even when experiencing those things, then I’m in a great empathetic position to help! Also at my craziest I think what a good protagonist for a book I’d make with all this crazy going on… Best of luck and thanks so much for the post

  5. Thanks all. Yes, it helps with empathy and THEN, what great help for us, too. It always gets me out of my own head and worries when I’m in the tx space and LISTEN to others stories. Then I get to stick needles in their stories, start to break em up a bit…

  6. Thank you for sharing your “crazy”! After a phone interview for a business loan I was freaking out a little bit about my future plans and if I was going about things all wrong. I came onto POCAs site for some inspiration and found this….perfect!!! It sounds like you actually have a pretty awesome grip on keeping your crazy in check.

  7. I’m late to this blog, but think about you often and the great work you’re doing, WHERE you want to do it. I hope the perspective here down the road is a little better.