Welcome to the world of AcuMartyr — a complicated superhero dedicated to defending acupuncture’s sacred, eternal, and immutable values established by the consensus of our venerable ancestors. Empowered by ancient wisdom, pop-psychology jargon, and new age insight, AcuMartyr communicates only through profound affirmations.
AcuMartyr’s bold unwavering convictions in the face of conflicting evidence, statistics and surveys have made him a legend. There is no needle toting superhero today who is more masterful at invalidating the perspectives of sentient beings. However, you will find that AcuMartyr also struggles with the same darkness and insecurities that all mortals encounter in the world of alternative medicine. On his low self-esteem days, AcuMartyr admirers worldwide are moved by his endless agonizing, self-deprecation and tormented cries for help.
Regardless of his mood, AcuMartyr’s timeless message penetrates through your wei qi and clings to your consciousness like cupping on sore shoulders. So sit back, breathe in this week’s uplifting affirmations, and allow them to circulate through every last meridian.
Today, I have the right to change my patients into whoever I think they should be.
My choices are limited; therefore I must rigidly adhere to the business plan I created years ago in school.
Today I will go out of my way to focus on colleagues who are degrading and cheapening Asian Medicine.
Today I nurture myself by enrolling in a program to earn my third doctoral degree.
As a practitioner of the most mystical medicine on the planet, I have the right to use jargon that intimidates others and alienates me from the rest of civilization.
Today I will suppress my unrelenting self-doubts and pretend that everyone is jealous of my skills and keen intuition.
Today, I honor my need to monogram my collection of neatly pressed white lab coats.
I affirm my God-given right to trust no one who charges on a sliding scale.
Today, I celebrate the insurance industry and its mystical ability to make me a whole person.
Judging those who treat on smelly second-hand recliners fills me with a sense of well-being.
I will begin my day by remembering that I used to be a lot younger, more energetic, and optimistic.
Today I will connect with an especially needy patient so that I can fulfill my yearning to be needed.
And finally, AcuMartyr concludes with a timely and uplifting affirmation to carry us through the deep snows of February…
Of all the seasons, winter best symbolizes my practice this week—frozen and shriveled.