Area Woman Confused by Acupuncture Terminology, Addicted to Illness

A woman leaving an acupuncturists office in Echo Park, California, expressed mild confusion and vague irritation after an appointment with local acupuncturist, Terry Vain.  “He told me that my liver was hot.  What the hell does that mean?” 

When asked to comment, Vain explained that the woman was suffering from symptoms that would indicate excess in the liver organ resulting in headaches along the course of its paired organ channel, the Gallbladder.  “I simply tried to explain to her the basic mechanics of Chinese anatomy and physiology as they relate to her condition.  A lot of my patients want to talk about what is happening inside them.  It’s like an astrological reading of the bodymind interior, very personal and very individualized.  I am the conduit of that understanding.  It can be slightly confusing for all of us, but that just speaks to the mystery of Chinese medicine.”  

When asked if she found the treatment helpful and if she would be coming back, the women responded indignantly.  “I only came here because my boss recommended it.  I have tried everything and don’t want to take drugs anymore.  I don’t care if my liver is hot or not, I just want relief.  If it works, I’ll be back, but since I don’t have insurance and the price is so high, it will have to show results right away for me to make another appointment.”  Her reluctance to reschedule was not a surprise to Vain, who said that often times, patients will make excuses not to come back and that finances are high on that list.  Other common excuses include practitioner shopping, fear of change, commitment issues and addiction to illness.  “People are somehow addicted to feeling sick.  It defines them and they ask the rest of us to be players in their sad, self-obsessed world of pity.  Without that sickness they would be nothing and so they come to me for attention, but they don’t actually want to get better.  Getting better scares them.  I see this all the time in my practice.  People who want to get better will simply come up with the money to do so. It’s part of the healing process.  The ability to be well is in each of us, though some of us refuse to realize it.”

Qualities that define a patient who is willing to get well include a good attitude, commitment to care, and patient compliance.  Often times it can be the slightest detail that leads to a patients failure to get well and a knowledgeable practitioner can tell the patient exactly what has led to their condition and precisely how the patient can act to turn their life around.  Said Vain, “Various lifestyle factors will need to be altered such as diet, exercise, meditation practice and even changing certain toxic relationships.  Sometimes, the difference between getting well and staying ill is a salad.  I can bring the horse to water, but I can’t make it drink.”  According to Vain, these patients are usually “one and done”.  Infrequently, they will come for a few treatments, but clearly aren’t willing to make the changes they need to make to get well.  “These people have issues.  They appear desperate for help, are willing to pay my fee, but don’t really want to get better.  They try to ensnare healthcare practitioners in some sort of twisted dance and feed off of their energy.  They’re parasites, really.  Fortunately, they drop off on their own and I don’t have to work with them very long.  This gives me time to work with the people who are serious about their wellbeing and the work it will take into achieving their goals.”

Asked to comment about her addiction to headaches, Vains patient responded with confusion and alarm.  “Are you kidding me?  Is that what he told you?  I will kick his skinny little ass!  Addicted to pain!  If that’s the case, then he’s going to get addicted to a foot in his ass the next time I see him!”  

Said Vain, “See?  Hot Liver.”

Author: The Zang Fool

<p> This is a satirical blog post by a practitioner that is serious in his attempts to both increase acupunctures accessibility to the public and challenge practitioners preconceived notions of what acupuncture is and how it functions in society. It may make you laugh, but that is just a means to an end. That end is thought and ultimately positive change. This is what all good satire does: prick, prod and provoke thought and positive change within a community. </p> <p> Satire has long been a part of muckraking and this profession is teeming with muck.  So, in the wake of the nonsense spewed from the foul anus of the Acupuncture-Industrial Complex come my musings on life, love and the proposed doctoral program. </p>