THE ZANG FOOL’S 15TH ANNUAL FPD HAIKU COMPETITION

It’s that special time of year again folks!  As the last days of 2009 pass by and whatever teeth global warming winter has left prepare to sink deep into our backsides, the first professional doctorate will be considered yet again by ACAOM! Yes, the issue that brings the whole profession together each holiday season with warm words of kinship and camaraderie also ushers in another favorite past time: THE ZANGFOOL'S 15TH ANNUAL HAIKUCOMPETITION!!!

This years competition will be dubbed, ‘Haiku You!’  Everyone is invited to compete, regardless of his or her stance on the cocktorate  doctorate degree.  And as always, there will be fabulous prizes for our top three winners!  But before we discuss the prizes, who can forget last year’s winner, the tear/wrist jerker from Paula St. George in Milwaukee?

the rivers penis

a chimpanzee eating shit

doctorate degree

 Stunning.  The piece truly demonstrates the subtle art of haiku.  

RULES

Structurally, each haiku must contain three lines, using between 10 and 17 syllables. St. George’s arresting composition used the 5-7-5 structure, but it is not necessary to use this form exclusively.  However, any piece that breaks from the prescribed framework of 3 lines and between 10-17 syllables will be disqualified.   In true CAN fashion, I want this to be as rigid as possibleYou may submit as many pieces as you want.  However, each submission must be made on a separate comment. You may be a FPD supporter, detractor or undecided. There are no bounds to content.  You don’t need to use a nature word or use punctuation.  Anything goes, as long as it is related to the FPD.  Any haiku not related to the FPD will be deleted. Anyone can submit: patients, practitioners, staff and lying, self-serving bureaucrats posing as professional ‘leaders’ are all welcome to play.

Deadline for submission is January 1st, 2010.  I will be submitting the winners to ACAOM by January 15th, so that they can officially be considered as evidence for or against the FPD.  Every voice counts. If you post as a guest, make-up a name.  Better yet, join CAN and be a part of our angry, rigid, ideological, venomous, hateful, offensive, sanctimonious, very loud and very organized cult family! I am not playing! A 2nd runner-up,1st runner-up and Grand Prize winner will be selected.  One placement per entrant! I reserve the right to make up other rules as we go along.  

 PRIZES

 “OK, OK,” I hear you saying out there.  “What about the prizes?!”  Well, here they are!  ‘Haiku You!’will have three winners.  Each of these winners will win an all expenses paid trip to sunny San Diego, where they will have the privilege of reading their winning haiku to the men and women weighing the FPD evidence at the 2010 annual winter ACAOM commissioners meeting this February!!!  You get a chance to stand up in front of the ACAOM commissioners and read your piece aloud.  Will it be your haiku that will swing the decision one way or the other in the head of a fence-straddling commish?  Anything can happen.  Submit an entry now! 2nd Runner-Up will receive a free link to the award winning journalism of Acupuncture Today.  Their hard-boiled reporters have broken some of the top stories in the profession and you can get a link to AT for free!  Who can forget their spine chilling investigative series highlighting this years ICD-9 codes?  We will never bill insurance the same way again.  Win your free link to AT!  Submit now!   1st runner up gets a free treatment from the triggerpoint man himself, Dr. Mark Seem of the Tri-StateCollege of Acupuncturein New York City!  You’ll travel in style on a Grey Hound bus straight into the heart of Manhattan, where Dr. Mark will release every trigger point in your entire body.  Your Tai Yang Zone will never moan so loud as when Dr.Mark skewers you alive with a blue seirin from head to toe!  They’ll hear you screaming all the way on 7th street!  What are you waiting for?  Submit and win! And the Grand Prize winner shall receive…Free tuition at the acupuncture school of your choice for the doctorate upgrade!  Every school in the country has personally promised that they will honor the fourth doctorate year tuition in the event that the FPD is approved by ACAOM and consensus is declared!  Woo-Hoo!  Since the FPD is being hailed as ‘a relative deal’ (relative to not being in debt for life with no job prospects after school), all colleges offering the degree have made it clear that they do not mind footing the bill for our grand prize winner to get edumacated. OK, folks.  It’s time to ‘Haiku You!’  Let the games begin!

The Zang Fool
Author: The Zang Fool

<p> This is a satirical blog post by a practitioner that is serious in his attempts to both increase acupunctures accessibility to the public and challenge practitioners preconceived notions of what acupuncture is and how it functions in society. It may make you laugh, but that is just a means to an end. That end is thought and ultimately positive change. This is what all good satire does: prick, prod and provoke thought and positive change within a community. </p> <p> Satire has long been a part of muckraking and this profession is teeming with muck.  So, in the wake of the nonsense spewed from the foul anus of the Acupuncture-Industrial Complex come my musings on life, love and the proposed doctoral program. </p>

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  1. winterland for fools —

    your oppressive doctorate

    exclusive  barren

  2. two haiku

    First entry

    Vanity degree 
    P9 raised to the Heaven  
    Not a consensus! 

    Second entry

    You are called doctor 
    I treat 2000 patients 
    Fuck off FPD 

     

     

    David “Basho” Lesseps 

    Circle Community Acupuncture

    San Francisco

    http://www.circleca.com

  3. Tuition or Shoes?They who

    Tuition or Shoes?

    They who Say,Can’t pay,Can’t play

    New Barefoot “Doctor”

     

     

    Here in the trenches

    Peeps in Ivory Towers

    Shouldn’t dictate lives 

  4. Please people!

    Read the rules!!

    One submission per comment and you can submit as many haiku as you’d like.  

    9 raised to the heaven…I like it!

    Who shall challenge this fool?! 

     

  5. they make many promises of jobs

     

     those whose job it is to make promises.

  6. Schools call us

    Schools call us children

    The more money the better

    Class-action law suit?

  7. bureaucrats on high
    all my

    bureaucrats on high

    all my patients think you’re dumb

    work for a living

  8. here we go again
    just as

    here we go again

    just as dumb as the last time

    when will you shut up?

  9. FDP

    Free Democratic Party

    Fatigue Decreased Proficiency

    Family Depression Program

  10. .

    we have consensus

    follow the yellow brick road

    kiss kiss bang bang doc

     

    you asked me to prom

    like sands through the hour glass

    the dollar bill guy

     

    sweet goes to the spleen

    want a twinkie ghengis khan?

    good for the munchies

     

     

  11. whitsitt!

     

    How DARE you write a haiku that insults my blog writing skills!!?  I will not tolerate it!

  12. chaitime

    stop telling people about our prom night.

    separate comments for each haiku!

     

  13. reposting, per slapped wrist:

    Fucking Professional Doctorate,

    are you so stupid?

    we said: NO!!!

  14. Us

    What gives you the right

    Hands off my cheap group treatment

    You ain’t my doctor

  15. Them

    Mo’ money for Punks?

    Misleading sons of bitches

    Take off your white coats 

  16. More from WCA

    I said “Shang Han Lun!”         

    The bank said “No way, Jose”

    I looked for a job.

  17. I would never

    I was trying to insult the AAAAAACCCOAMQRS, but I guess the thing with haiku is that they tend to overflow like that.

  18. Cup Ramen again

     

    Cup Ramen again.

    I built it.They didnt come.

    Crushing student debt 

  19. taking more money
    like a mob

    taking more money
    like a mob of fucking crooks
    FPD you suck

  20. FPD now here
    Custom made

    FPD now here
    Custom made shoes in Hong Kong
    Dollar Bill rich man

  21. Can’t afford practice
    TCM ed

    Can’t afford practice
    TCM ed for profit
    new career needed

  22. Bridge to nowhere fast
    FPD

    Bridge to nowhere fast

    FPD yewbetcha, eh

    White coat no bank book

  23. hai- ku-lonic just what the first-professional doctor ordered

    I wanted to write 1o haiku for 1o days

    to help make zangies ears bleed more:

    sorry, just some heavy wax balls…

     

     

    white lab coat wings spread

    far horizon calls your name

    doc tawr doc tawr awr

     

     

     

    degree lined bird cage

    bright colors loud and organized

    squawking “pretty-bird”

     

     

     

    doctor almighty

    bestowing blessings on us

    FPD heal thyself

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  24. ha!

     

    you would have won!  but your lack of separate comments has angered me.  you are disqualified!

     

    just kidding.  let the haiku run from your pen as diarrhea runneth from the spleen deficient.

  25. cranky ranky

    you are cheapening haiku with your rapid fire, successive polemics.  what would happen if we did acupuncture that way, fast and furious, huh?  what kind of disaster would that be!!!

     

  26. fiesty

    lupine.  where hast thou been hiding.  mine eyes rejoice at the sight of the little blue letters that spell thy name .

  27. Acupuncture school
    Students

    Acupuncture school

    Students ride the short school bus

    FPD worthless

  28. An ode to my alma mater

    Allocate new funds

    New silicone for my wife

    FPD new breasts

  29. ya did say numerous

    ya did say numerous posts…i’m on semester break from grad school for grown ups, so i have a little time and am having fun exercising my verbal half witticims

  30. fast and furious huh?

    Dismantle it now

    The field slowly fades away

    Out of existence

  31. There once was a needler

    There once was a needler from Glocester
    Who wanted the title of doctor
    She went back to school
    Spent qi like a fool
    And still the professionals mocked her!

    Marty

  32. hey ZF

    I think Marty should win a special prize for her bold, transgressive use of a limerick in a haiku competition. Now that’s art.

  33. Gastric passage evacuates the lower jiao of the FPD

    Blowing wind doctor

    The tao white coat and needles

    Damp heat hot air burns

  34. dear bureaucrats

    Don’t you think you’ve done

    enough damage already?

    Apparently not.

  35. didja see the one above

    didja see the one above about custom made shoes in hong kong dollar bill rich man?

  36. sounds tasty

     

     
    but i like to think of the FPD as flaccid liver wood with cold damp nocturnal emission and dreams of being a doctor disturbed sleep.

  37. i would consider it

     

    but the Limerick Acupuncture Club (L.A.C) is very protective of there turf…and pro-FPD. 

    This is one gang you don’t want to fuck with. They’ll cut you.

     

     

     

  38. your patients

     

    cheapen the medicine, whitsitt.  the bureaucrats don’t give a fuck what they think.

  39. what you suggest

     

    would damage the profession!  i hope you don’t take this attitude into the treatment room.   

  40. how did you know?

    this is what the folks at the CCAOM call the folks at the AAAOM.

     

  41. wow…
    I love this one. I

    wow…

    I love this one. I didn’t know haiku could be so simple and to the point. 

    We should make this into a button!

    -Jade

    Jade Community Acupuncture, Winona, MN

    acupuncturewinona.com

  42. I love pottie talk

    Smells like rotten eggs

    Leaves a stain on the toilet

    FPD, bad guest

  43. Dejavoodoo

    Its the Holidays!

    Schools meeting behind closed doors

    Making life harder 

  44. dejavu…voo…vooo

    Nineteen ninety six,

    “Doctorate will save us soon”

    Twenty-ten, “really?!?”

  45. here is your haiku
    greed

    here is your haiku
    greed motivates FPD
    give my sweetie back

  46. i apologize

     

    i know that FPD stands for ‘Fool, Please Die.’  I was a bad house guest and lost my bowels on the toilet seat, but I told you that I can’t drink whiskey and eat jalapenos.

  47. No personal attacks.

    I giggled.  I’m done with it.  Back to our regularly programmed NO-FPD broadcast.

  48. fire flickers wanly
    no

    fire flickers wanly

    no promised job; diploma

    makes good kindling

  49. ok…here you go…

    Flaccid liver wood
    Cold damp emission at night
    Doctor shen disturbed

  50. Kindling?

    i think toilet paper is better. there is a custom toilet paper company out there…you could send them whatever you want and they will print it on toilet paper.

    Some chiros on chirotalk proboards were talking about having a case of toilet paper made with their diplomas and sending it to their schools as a wonderful gift.

  51. is it heart, hands, head
    or

    is it heart, hands, head

    or doctorate, white coat and

    stethoscope? i forget

  52. FPD genie,
    grant my wish:

    FPD genie,

    grant my wish: buffer between me

    and my patients

  53. Acu Ph.D?
    I don’t need no

    Acu Ph.D?
    I don’t need no white coat crap
    Just poke me dammit!

  54. lost the formatting

    Acu Ph.D?

    I don’t need no white coat crap.

    Just poke me dammit!

  55. why not both!

     

    you divisive CAN people are damaging the profession with your polarizing language and mentality! for shame!

  56. it’s not a Ph.D!!

     

    you CAN people understand nothing!  This degree does not require that you contribute anything new to the field, just contribute more money to schools demonstrate appropriate competencies.  duh! 

  57. promoises, promises

     

    aren’t fantasies better than reality.  that’s what the fpd is all about.  you CAN people want concrete evidence of jobs.  isn’t speculation preferable?   

  58. “healers” full of

    “healers” full of hate
    misunderstand the issues
    sad that they are peers

  59. Basho gone bad

    Winter songbird flies

    Needle compass point to North

    Wind whispers, FPD dieeeee(y)

  60. We treat the masses!
    Walls

    We treat the masses!
    Walls and hoops, they want control
    they are scared of us.

  61. @ Guest (not verified)

    That’s the spirit!

    (Right back atcha)

    …this reminds me of a song written by a famous band from Philly….

    ‘I will not apologize
    I will not apologize
    This is for all of my peoples who understand
    and truly recognize
    Some won’t get it and for that
    I won’t apologize’

  62. go on GNV!!!

     

    i’ve been saying this for years about these CAN assholes!  this whole blog is an exercise to see them demonstrate their hate!  now the world knows!!!!!

    but you are disqualified b/c you can’t fucking read. 3 lines.

  63. more buffers?

    the rates aren’t buffer enough?

    Nora, you’re so brave for coming out as pro-FPD here.  

    As Ben said, 8%+ of CAN members support an FPD.  Then again, he’s mostly full of crap.

     

  64. nice work, ZF

    Came for the haiku:

    one hundred fifty eight guests

    online. Enjoy, guests!

  65. re: hu flung pu

    yeah…hu flung pu teaches herbs and wei pi nai li teaches how to make linaments…and they both run the

    Sacred crane blowing wind fertile yin palace dragon moon goddess lakshmi savta acupumuncture, hookah/burger bar, and 24 hr laundry.

  66. There’s no consensus

    There’s no consensus

    Just a lack of awareness

    Wake the sleeping Punks! 

  67. I know I have no say but

    in the immortal words of Yoda (and some say Sarah Palin), “Love this one I do.”  Soooo Zen…you are indeed priceless.

  68. it is too a fact book!

     

    but the ‘facts’ there only apply if you are professional middle class, and personal achievement and publicly recognized status trumps jobs.  jobs and secure communties?  well those are working class facts.  and they don’t count.  

    duh qi.

  69. lack of awareness

     

    ‘silence will only realize the dreams of the spoken’  – MLK

    oh wait.  that was will morris.

  70. inspired by Nora

    “facts” by the same who

    brought us “consensus.”  my gift–

    a dictionary.

  71. so true

    it’s true.  my patients do cheapen the medicine (as do I).  they also pay my rent, God bless ’em, and even pay for those bereaucrats’ salaries, via my student loans.

  72. if it passes….

    Debt won’t last always

    Death is inevitable

    My children will pay.

  73. FPD whose running

     

    FPD whose running piglet Give students no ground for their qi Schools prepare for the big hog roast   

     

     

    Jade Community Acupuncture, Winona, MN

    acupuncturewinona.com

  74. i hear you GNV

     

    it’s a damn shame, all those people affording treatment.  a shame indeed. 

    three lines, you fucking illiterate asshole.  

  75. it’s so heartwarming

    to see that folks on both sides of the issue get in touch with their anger.

  76. From what I read on this

    From what I read on this site, I have concluded that none of the people here should be able to be called acupuncturists. The comments are sick, childish, and show unprofessional conduct. How can a healthcare professional make comments that are sick and disguisting as the ones on this site? Someone should report you guys to the State licensing boards as your comments do not warrent being able to practice or even hold a license.

    I will make sure I let everyone know just how sick you people are. If the zangfool is actually a licensed acupuncturist he/she should have their license terminated immediately. This is unprofessional conduct. The article is sick and offensive. Leaders in our profession should move to have this site and it’s posters face harsh punishment including loss of license.

    Have any of you read NCCAOM rules esp acceptable conduct of licensed acupuncturists.

    Someone should report you guys to NCCAOM as well as ACCAOM CCAOM and your state boards.

    You should be ashamed of yourselfs

  77. “Someone should report you

    “Someone should report you guys”

    Tries to stifle discussion

    So so so so sad

     

  78. This will be hard to explain to my patients

    I lost my license

    I cannot treat you today

    I wrote a haiku

  79. Shameless we remainThe

    Shameless we remain

    The Emperor has no clothes

    The States are our friends 

  80. oooh

    Haiku with a kinky streak. Tatyana, I had no idea. See what poetry illuminates.

  81. yes

    you have no idea… i am full of surprises… just you wait

    (i can’t… seem to stop…. i need an intervention… maybe i need my license revoked)

  82. dirty, naughty, sick little acupunk!

    You deserve a sound spanking with my rolled-up diploma!

  83. * * *

    “Trolls, snakes, and roosters–

    oh my!”  We’re not in Kansas

    anymore, my friends…

  84. Unfortunately, this post

    Unfortunately, this post fails to realize that a profession has 3 components: History, Theory, and (self) criticism. The verbage posted here reflects a commentary on the state of this trade we call acupuncture. Many, many many issues are raised in the FPD and some of what is said here can be deemed ad-hoc tongue in cheek polemics on the direction this trade is taking. Some are very passionate in their standings, some express a more colorful, or perhaps blatant disdain for the credentialing policy makers, while a few make some disparaging remarks regarding their educational institutions, some may be justified due to certain policy practices such institutions have implemented. Perhaps if you can enlighten us on exactly where in the by-laws of AAACAOM, CCAOM, NCCAOM, or various state departments of professional regulations does it state that itinerant, ad-hoc criticism of one’s trade is grounds for disciplinary action, some may (or may not) self-police.

    If you are so inclined, I’m sure many of us will provide you with our license numbers for you to personally lodge your complaints with the various state boards. Do you have the time to do it? Must be nice having an affluent spouse who can support your needlepoint hobby, or perhaps you cashed in your trust fund so you can have the privilege of playing with your voodoo dolls while the rest of us actually have to work to keep food on our tables, clothes on our backs, roofs over our heads, and the lights in our offices on. Keep in mind that, should you choose to take the initiative to report us, you may, in fact, be doing yourself a legal disservice by defaming the character of many practitioners who are only expressing their first amendment rights. No one person is being defamed here. What is occurring is an ad-hoc critique of a particular educational policy that directly impacts the current and future practitioners of the trade.

    The only guarantees that the FPD will bring are more debt to the current students, and possibly practitioners if all are required to return for additional training for the “privilege” of being called “Dr.” and increased revenue for the schools of TCM. That is it.

    Truth hurts now doesn’t it?

  85. Even more….

    This person just sucks at Haiku.

     

    I ask you, how can you be a good Punk if you suck at Haiku? It’s in our scope of practice after all.  Part of the requirements of being a primary care provider.

     

    Ignorance is bliss

    Threatening for attention

    Envy will kill you.

  86. Prez., a commish

    Prez., a commish.

    To decide ‘consensus.’

    Conflict of interest.

  87. Ben, Will, Neal.

    Ben, Will, Neal.

    Worked so long on f..

    ’10, another thumbs down. Boo-hoo.

  88. actually Guinevere,

    I am not a licensed acupuncturist.  I am a chiropractor hell bent on making all acupuncturists look bad in order to taint the publics perception of the profession so that DC’s can swallow their scope of practice alive!

    These CAN idiots have no idea…..oops.  

     

  89. absolutely right, revoke your licenses!

    I agree with Guest, and I’m not even an acupuncturist – just an insignificant patient. You guys are sick, sick, sick, sick, childish and diguisting. I also conclude that your licenses should be revoked (well, temporarily suspended) until you correct your behavior by: 1) giving yourself wedgies and going on a 3 hour hike 2) self-flagellating with a wet noodle about the head and neck until you bleed, 3) sitting in a room with above Guest for 1 whole hour while sending her/him loving thoughts, 4) plucking out your eyebrows and then drawing them back on with a permanent marker.
    In addition, since being a human being clearly nullifies the years of education, skill and success you have achieved as practicing acupuncturists, you may come on notice if you 1) fart in public whether someone knows it or not, 2) say a third tier cuss word within earshot of others, including your unconscious, 3) continue to express your creativity and collegial spirits by writing these offensive haikus (BTW ZF, my haiku better win or I seriously am reporting you people to someone very important). Until you know how to behave yourselfs, you may want to check in with me or Guest periodically for the appropriate code of conduct. But you can start by pouring yourselfs into TIGHT tightie whities every morning after you take a shower with Old Spice extra deodorant soap, and wearing suspenders.

  90. As an acupuncturist, has

    As an acupuncturist, has anyone ever talked to you about the importance of the flow of qi?

    Well… this is it. This is a space for qi to flow, for people to vent, and for discussions to happen.

    These spaces are rare in both digital and real life.

    Treasure the flow of qi.

    Treasure this space.

  91. I could not resist…these Haiku’s are hard to stop…

    Head Acupunk

    with dirty knees?

    He who supports FPD.

  92. yeah but,

     

    what if i already punish myself in the ways you describe just for kicks? except #3. he can’t stand looking at my eyebrows and runs from the room every time.

  93. my shame

     

    i voluntarily surrendered my license.  if any of you respect the profession, you will do the same. 

  94. Guinevere?

     

    are you in AA? 

    it works if you work it, so keep coming back!

     

  95. I finally got

    I finally got a my NCCAOM certificate in the mail in a cardboard tube.  We can use that for your spanking.  It really serves no other purpose.

  96. Sorry state of

    Sorry state of affairs
    Create FPD
    Caught by the people
    More ABC’s

    CA acupunks are surviving
    Schools exposed
    Working is learning
    School ABC’s

  97. I meant this

    Sorry state of affairs
    Create FPD
    Caught by the people
    More ABC’s

    CA acupunks are surviving
    Schools exposed
    Working is learning
    School ABC’s

  98. another idea

    oh no… those things are totally awesome for doing that trick where you look through the tube with one eye and hold it next to your hand, and it looks like you’ve got a hole in your hand.  see: at least two purposes!

  99. to GNV: we took the vow like Sun Si Miao: help the people

    unprofessional conduct is a profession satisfied with greed and patient abandonment by making it inaccessible to most people in this country and caring more about their own preciousness and reputations. please understand that our energies and professionalism are towards our patient first and foremost, not trying to walk around the fragile egos of our peers. when you seek to deligitimize us, can you not see that we see that as an attack on our patients and their ability to get care? and we’re simply not going to allow that anymore, guest. we care too much about them.

    several of my patients are working on haikus. they’re proud that professionals are finally standing up for them, and as one said to me yesterday, with several others nodding in agreement from their chairs while getting acupuncture: “just let them try to mess with this movement and they’ll have to answer to US!”

    Sun Si Miao:

    “Whenever a great physician treats diseases, he has to be mentally calm and his disposition firm. He should not give way to wishes and desires, but has to develop first a marked attitude of compassion. He should commit himself firmly to the willingness to take the effort to save every living creature.

    If someone seeks to help because of illness, or on the ground of another difficulty, a great physician should not pay attention to status, wealth or age; neither should he question whether the particular person is attractive or unattractive, whether he is an enemy or a friend, whether he is Chinese or a foreigner, or finally, whether he is educated or uneducated. He should meet everyone on equal ground; he should always act as if he were thinking of himself. He should not desire anything and should ignore all consequences;he is not to ponder over his own fortune or misfortune and thus preserve life and have compassion for it. He should look upon those who have come to grief as if he himself had been struck, and he should sympathize with them deep in his heart. Neither dangerous mountain passes nor the time of day, neither weather conditions nor hunger, thirst nor fatigue should keep him from helping whole-heartedly. Whoever acts in this manner is a great physician for the living. Whoever acts contrary to these demands is a great thief for those who still have their spirits!

    ( i notice that this last sentence is often left off this quote–hmmm.)

     

    Melissa

    Good health is not a measure of adapting to a sick society.

    When the power of love outshines the love of power, the world will know peace.