Study: Acupuncture Effective For Pre-Acupuncture Related Anxiety

A new study from the University of Alabama shows that acupuncture is remarkably effective for the anxiety experienced before getting acupuncture.  Dr. Mitzi Lieberman, who pioneered the research project, reported that a statistically significant percentage of subjects felt relief from the crippling anxiety accompanied with getting acupuncture shortly after needles ceased being inserted in their skin.   “We think that this study proves that there is something profound occurring once the needles stop going in.  People are much less scared shitless after the last needle than before the first.”  said Lieberman.  

The study had three groups of subjects: those being needled at traditional acupuncture points, those being needled at sham acupuncture points, or points away from traditional point locations, and a control group that watched reruns of the now defunct television drama “The Gilmore Girls”.  While viewers of The Gilmore Girls reported high levels of anxiety during and after viewing the show, anxiety levels were fairly low in the few minutes before the show came on.  Conversely, those in the acupuncture group and sham acupuncture group displayed significantly higher levels of anxiety upon learning they were going to receive acupuncture.  Interestingly, there was no difference between the sham group and the real group; both reported nearly identical levels of anxiety before acupuncture.  Apparently, the bowel-loosening terror accompanying acupuncture is consistent no matter where a needle is placed.  “Acupuncture research is an exciting field, as this study clearly proves.  As a result, acupuncture can now be touted as an effective and reliable treatment for the 3.1 million people that received acupuncture last year.” Lieberman remarked.

If you know someone that experiences gut wrenching anxiety before getting acupuncture, they need not suffer any longer. You can now assure your friends and loved ones that acupuncture is a safe, natural and effective treatment for the sweat inducing panic associated with getting acupuncture.  

The Zang Fool
Author: The Zang Fool

<p> This is a satirical blog post by a practitioner that is serious in his attempts to both increase acupunctures accessibility to the public and challenge practitioners preconceived notions of what acupuncture is and how it functions in society. It may make you laugh, but that is just a means to an end. That end is thought and ultimately positive change. This is what all good satire does: prick, prod and provoke thought and positive change within a community. </p> <p> Satire has long been a part of muckraking and this profession is teeming with muck.  So, in the wake of the nonsense spewed from the foul anus of the Acupuncture-Industrial Complex come my musings on life, love and the proposed doctoral program. </p>

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Responses

  1. speaking of genius + humor!

    I’m waiting for the study that shows acupuncture can be effective against science-study-induced blindness (you know, the one where the control group listens to Thomas Dolby).

  2. Isn’t Science truely amazing!

    Such wonderful things we learn from our tax dollars that go into scientific studies.  How could we live without this valuable info? I’ll have to put this up on the clinic b board for all to see.

  3. Now that it has been proven in a study….

    Now that this has been proven in a study, it will certainly get some exposure in our “beloved” one-sided trade magazine Acupuncture Today.  The trade magazine that will only say that acupuncture works when science “proves” that it does.

     

    Thank you again for another good laugh!