Energy Condoms, by My Qi!

Energy Condoms, by My Qi!

What are they?

My Qi! Energy Condoms are a new, powerful method of protection against commonly acquired Spiritually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) from client to practitioner.  

What is an STD?

An STD is a spiritually transmitted disease that is frequently contracted by energy therapists of all types including but not limited to practitioners of: reiki, acupuncture, homeopathy, naturopathy, massage, aryuveda, NAET, talk therapists, crystal healing, tarot card reading, astrology, EFT therapy, polarity therapy, charmstone work, quantum touch, vibrational medicine, dowsing, reflexology, craniosacral bodywork, sound therapy, gemstone healing, and open minded western medical doctors.  

How are STDs acquired?

STDs pass through the clients energetic field and into that of the practitioner.  The energetic field is being constantly bombarded by the energy of everyone we come in contact with and if not properly protected, an STD can be contracted. STDs erode your natural energetic field leaving you open to further attack by the negative energies of clients.

What are the signs and symptoms of an STD?

People that have contracted an STD often complain of being “burned out”, “drained” and “so fucking exhausted I think I just might kill myself”.  Often, a sure sign that an STD has been contracted is feeling depressed physically, mentally and emotionally and blaming it on your clients.  When considering how the hell they can continue such a draining and exhausting existence, infected practitioners will either quickly shuttle the thought away or rationalize that things will work themselves out and get better with time.  Infected practitioners often will consult with other infected practitioners, which will only make the problem worse.  Congregations of the infected are common and the mood is often bitter and cynical.   

Dreading interaction with certain clients is a frequent symptom, as the STD is exacerbated in the presence of those who infected you.   As energy workers are natural empaths, it is common for those infected to take on the symptoms of their clients.  Excessive emotional responses are also common.

What are the most common STDs?

The most common STDs are energy drain, transference, empathy, symptom mirroring, compassion fatigue and over-sympathy.  New STDs are being discovered all the time and it is impossible to predict when and where an outbreak will occur.

Why me?

Because you’re special.

An STD is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is merely the result of engaging in certain behavior with clients without taking the proper precautions.  While our clients deserve our respect and compassion, we must be honest with ourselves.  Ultimately, they are a needy, dependent, draining bunch that attempt to empower themselves by sucking the energy and qi of others.   They are caught in the paradox of needing our help, yet wounding us in the process.  Our dilemma is a calling to express ourselves through helping others and yet being personally wounded as a result. It hurts to be special.  The cause of this problem is not well understood.

Being special means taking special precautions.  My Qi! Energy Condoms are the best way to protect against negative energy on the market.

How do My Qi! Energy Condoms work?

Energy condoms not only protect from future attacks, but also purify and restore the energetic field with each use.  Each My Qi! Energy Condom is an amalgam of a secret blend of plant and herbal essences renowned for their tonic and protective properties.  They are then infused into organic South American hemp cloth.  Each condom has been chanted over by genuine Tibetan monks for a minimum of one month before being placed in the center of Stonehenge to bathe in the pure moonlight of a full moon.  The condom is then blessed by a High Priestess of Venus and stored in a bamboo box inscribed with ancient Egyptian healing hieroglyphs where it remains until shipping.  

How do I put on the My Qi! Energy Condom?

My Qi! Energy Condoms have cloth straps and are placed over the heart chakra, at the center of the chest.  Proper placement is crucial for preventing penetration by an STD.  Each condom is tailor made for your unique size.  It is important to leave space between your chest and the condom to allow room for your personal qi discharges, which are common during a session of energy work.     

How do I activate my condom?

Each My Qi! Energy Condom will come with its own unique mantra that you must chant while wearing the condom for the first time.  This charges the condom.  It is not necessary to chant your unique mantra between uses or before each session and you may remove the condom after a session.  If you are particularly sensitive, you may consider wearing the condom at all times.  Of course, this will shorten the life of the condom and will require that you change your condom more frequently.  

How long does each condom last?

This depends on the nature of your practice, the strength of your energy field and the amount of drain that your clients inflict on you.  You must weigh each of these factors against one another in order to properly determine exactly when to change your condom.  Ultimately, you will begin to have a subjective understanding of when to change your condom.  If you are beginning to feel drained, it is likely that you are contracting an STD and should change and charge a new condom.  While there is no such thing as “average” when dealing with energy workers, typically each condom can last a week in an intense high volume practice (5-10 clients a week or 10-30 hours) before losing it’s defensive properties and STDs can attack.  Each box contains five condoms.

How much are My Qi! Energy Condoms?

Each box of My Qi! Energy Condoms are $49.99 plus shipping.  Orders of $200 or more will include free shipping. 

Schools: It is never too early to prevent practitioner burnout.  Increase the success level of your graduates.  Special rates for larger bulk orders!

Students:  Large groupings of blossoming energy workers and their teachers can be the most draining experience of all.  Don’t get off to the wrong start!  10% off all student orders.


So what are you waiting for?  Will you continue to allow your qi, your precious and finite energy to be sapped as you are rewarded for your efforts at healing by being attacked by the very people you treat?  Order My Qi! Energy Condoms today! 


Testimonials

“I am a Worsley style 5-Element practitioner and my intakes were really starting to suffer before I discovered My Qi! Energy Condoms.  I was reducing the time I would take to talk and connect with a client from two and a half hours to an hour on the first visit and only an hour or so for follow-ups.  My clients would be going on and on forever about their problems, bitching and moaning and I was just about ready to lose my fucking mind.  I realize now that I was just infected with an STD.  After wearing the My Qi! Energy Condom for two weeks I was able to up my initial intakes to two hours and was back at two and a half hours within a month. My clients may still be miserable, but I’ve never been more happy!  Thanks My Qi!”  Jill P. NYC, NY

“After two years of giving three hour reiki sessions combined with hot crystal massage and multi-dimensional holotropic aura cleansing I started taking on the symptoms of my clients.  I didn’t get into this to get sick!  Wearing My Qi! Energy Condoms has literally saved my career.” Raven D. Los Angeles, Ca

“I was screening my calls and ducking half of my client book.  Now, thanks to My Qi! I can stop blaming my clients for my irrational, illogical way of navigating through the world and finally stop thinking that maybe, just maybe, there is something wrong with how I’m structuring my practice and relating to others.” Paul G. Austin, Tx

“After the third time I experienced hysterical blindness during a session, losing yet another client, I knew something was wrong with me.  Now I realize it wasn’t anything I was doing, it was all the fault of my clients!  My Qi! Energy Condoms gave me the tool I needed to keep those exhausting, draining vampires out of my qi so that I could continue my healing work.  I am forever grateful.” Shanti D. Portland, Or.

Order My Qi! Energy Condoms now!  Your qi is special and so are you.  Don’t hesitate!  Order today!

The Zang Fool
Author: The Zang Fool

<p> This is a satirical blog post by a practitioner that is serious in his attempts to both increase acupunctures accessibility to the public and challenge practitioners preconceived notions of what acupuncture is and how it functions in society. It may make you laugh, but that is just a means to an end. That end is thought and ultimately positive change. This is what all good satire does: prick, prod and provoke thought and positive change within a community. </p> <p> Satire has long been a part of muckraking and this profession is teeming with muck.  So, in the wake of the nonsense spewed from the foul anus of the Acupuncture-Industrial Complex come my musings on life, love and the proposed doctoral program. </p>

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Responses

  1. actually,

     

    that was the original idea.  i had this visual image of someone clumsily lumbering into a room in a full body condom…. attachments for the arms to take the pulse….kind of like new age bio-hazard gear for the ‘spirit’….cracked me up…..the ultimate ‘protection’ from those nuisances that seek help, if you will.  

    but, 1. this was done in Naked Gun

    2. while i am a big fan of being ridiculous, i wanted to play with something that could actually be real.  and the thing is, i really think that a lot of people would buy this thing if it was real. 

    so, if anyone has contacts in stonehenge…….

  2. Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean,

    Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

  3. what’s the failure rate

    what’s the failure rate after 5 years?  OMG, i keep thinking of some random movie that has the princess wearing an iron chastity belt…where the hell  is that from? anybody?

  4. Oh you guys!

    Brilliant.  Talk about filling a need and making it affordable!  I actually know alittle company in AZ that makes these cool protectors against negativity and violence, using ceramic technology and Egyptian Feng Shui.  I think their stuff works!  I’ve bought several of them and tried them out in different ways.  Zangie, you’ve hit upon another fundraiser.  I can’t think of a single healer who wouldn’t be interested.  With our international reach, we might be able to contact and pull in a Hengie who also thirsts for social justice.