The following is my submission to the AAAOM-Student Organization’s $1000 essay writing contest, whose Facebook club I am a member of I have been tossed off of(pun becomes relevant later). I hope to be the winner, and an inside source assures me that my victory is inevitable. I will use the $1000 prize to donate back to the AAAOM-SO and their Help A Failed Acupuncturist(HAFA) program.  If you would like to apply for the HAFA program, check out their webpage.  Preference is given to AAAOM members.

Essay Question:”How do you foresee the integration of AOM in mainstream U.S. health care affecting the overall health of the U.S. Society? Name and describe/discuss three ways you see this change occurring.”

1. I foresee well-paid medical doctors laughing at unpaid doctors of acupuncture working in clinical externships at western medical clinics. As laughter is the best medicine, patients that are nearby will join in and also laugh at these unpaid acupuncture doctors, improving their health. So, as more acupuncturists work unpaid in western clinical settings and are laughed at by western medical doctors and their sick patients, the health and well being of anyone in sight (except other unpaid acupuncturists) will be greatly improved, affecting the health of U.S. Society.

2. I foresee acupuncturists taking a greater role in U.S. health care as primary care providers. As acupuncturists are largely unprepared for this role, having nowhere near the preparation of western medical PCP’s, I also foresee a sharp rise in litigation against acupuncturists as episodes of malpractice increase. This boon in litigation will greatly increase the health of malpractice lawyers nationwide, a long suffering demographic. There will also be a dramatic rise in malpractice rates for all acupuncturists in general, improving the health of malpractice insurance providers like AAC. It may have a negative impact on the health of acupuncturists that can’t afford the new, higher rates and drop out of practice. But there will be newly trained doctors of acupuncture to treat these failed rejects. Until these acupuncturists also fuck up and/or run out of money and are out of practice as well. But there will be newly trained doctors of acupuncture to treat these failed rejects. Until these acupuncturists too fuck up and/or run out of money and are out of practice as well. But there will be newly trained…you get the point.

3. I foresee more and more patients needling themselves for common ailments. As acupuncture is ridiculously easy to administer and, when done on the extremities, offers very low chance for adverse reactions, self-administered acupuncture care will have a great impact on U.S. Society. Just as diabetics administer injections with little to no difficulty or adverse events, people will begin to needle themselves more often as the word spreads that they can actually do it, it works for many issues and doesn’t have to cost more than the price of the needle. The more that acupuncturists are removed from the equation of care delivery, the greater chance that acupuncture will actually have a positive impact on the health of U.S. society.

4. (Bonus answer!!!)The acronym landscape is a clear signal that the integration of AOM in mainstream U.S. healthcare is positively affecting the health of U.S. Society. Why, only a few years ago, the only acronym for the loose conglomerate of non-mainstream modalities and therapies that Americans use for health care was limited to only one broad term: Complimentary Alternative Medicine (CAM). But the times they have a changed. Now, we can rest easy that the acronym landscape is growing in leaps and bounds, even if actual use is going nowhere. There is Integrated Medicine (IM), Integral Medicine (IM), Integrated Wellness (IW), and my new favorite, Complimentary Integrated Medicine (CIM).

However, the public needs one final acronym, one acronym to rule them all and in the process bind them. The acronyms need to be Unified. And that gives us our answer: Complimentary Unified Medicine (CUM). 

But, we don’t want to scare the public with our new acronym. They may not be ready to swallow another acronym, especially one as hot and powerful as CUM. As AOM practitioners we don’t want to push CUM down their throats and get all in their face with it. That would be unethical. CUM should be something that takes a long time to build up and it would be best not to rush it. We don’t want the quick and uncontrolled release of yet another sloppy acronym. We don’t want the process to be messy. If we don’t warn the public in advance about the release of CUM, they may not trust us in the future. That’s never good.

As a profession, AOM must step up and stop jerking the public around. We want the public to eat up CUM and by positioning ourselves just right, AOM can really get off to a good start. CUM should be all over the place. There is no reason that AOM should wait for some other profession to get to CUM first. WE want to do that. If some other profession gets to CUM before AOM, the public may only call us when those other professionals are too busy. We’ll continue to be sloppy seconds to modalities like chiropractic. Students as future professionals, as well as current professionals should encourage AAAOM, CCAOM, ACAOM and every state practitioner organization and school to cover themselves with CUM as a show of pride, uniting every CUM modality in order to further integrate AOM into U.S. society.  Not only does our profession deserve the respect that only CUM will provide, the public deserves the assurance that our acronym is strong enough to impregnate it with a new vision for health and wellness and not leave it frustrated, unsatisfied and taking care of its own needs by itself.

Between CUM and the FPD, AOM will be positioned to spew across the horizon like a white-hot comet!

I can’t wait to be officially announced!

The Zang Fool
Author: The Zang Fool

<p> This is a satirical blog post by a practitioner that is serious in his attempts to both increase acupunctures accessibility to the public and challenge practitioners preconceived notions of what acupuncture is and how it functions in society. It may make you laugh, but that is just a means to an end. That end is thought and ultimately positive change. This is what all good satire does: prick, prod and provoke thought and positive change within a community. </p> <p> Satire has long been a part of muckraking and this profession is teeming with muck.  So, in the wake of the nonsense spewed from the foul anus of the Acupuncture-Industrial Complex come my musings on life, love and the proposed doctoral program. </p>

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  1. Sorry

    You exceed the 500 word limit. We are sorry, even though we can see that you are a good and thoughtful writer, we are forced to reject you essay.



    The Powers that Be

  2. Zang Fool, you are a true visionary

    and I just now read of the things you foresee for the AOM profession that are already coming to be in this nifty article at AT called “A Tale of Two Orifices.”

    I absolutely gLove your contest entry and your generous support of the HAFA program. 

  3. Some are saying

    Some are saying that your timing may be off ZF…..that you may have prematurely released C.U.M. into the acupuncture world……I say no….I believe you nailed it just right.

  4. thanks Fred

    and I wanted to acknowledge your efforts in helping me behind the scenes with this.  Even though I did most of the work, we got to CUM together and I believe we both enjoyed it.  At least you said you did.  

    Was it as good for you as it was for me?


  5. .

    god that article scares me. that kind of stuff is exactly what i hope to never have to stoop to, done the corporate death march too many times to ever go back. i should invite marilyn to come see me in clinic, im usually quite impressed with myself when i remember to shave and splash some water on my face now and again. that is what AOM should strive to in the future….and maybe some deodorant too.

  6. .

    speaking of AT, double blind placebo studies done by doctorate acupuncturists under the supervision of medical doctors have found that after reading, it makes me feel genuinely worse 100% of the time with an error rate of (+/-)0%. i dont think even a compost bin would eat that shite. i wish they would at least throw in free will astrology at the end like the local rags do. Sincerely, Cancer/metal-monkey

  7. chacha if you

    follow the tips for a high-class and low budget clinic I’m sure it will be most impressive to Marilyn.   We don’t want to end up emulating Pee-Wee Herman: a definite no-no if you want impress folks over at AT.  BTW word on the street was that NBC cancelled the 6th season not because of the so called *smoking gun* incident in the XXX theater but because PW was practicing acupuncture and calling it *ARTS AND CRAFTS*(wink wink)  See for yourselves:  

  8. you bring joy to my marriage

    thanks for your juicy stuff zang fool. every time we read your blog we laugh together for what seems like the hardest we have laughed since the last time we read your last blog. perhaps there is yet hope for something other than an alphabet org self-described as “the unifying force of american acupuncturists.” CUM wakes me up; a stark contrast to the alphabet guilders’ tendency to put me to sleep just by reading their names outloud.

    there must be more bedroom secrets to reveal in the AOM profession. more stuff that needs to be stated outloud. stuff that has actually happenned and will continue to happen in a sick pattern if we don’t intervene and stop the craziness.

  9. *

    ZF, we are SO going to market a collection of your blog posts as “marital aids”. There are some stores right near WCA that will carry them, I’m confident.

  10. .

    looking forward to the CUM re-translation of the kama sutra, its going to be hot!

    speaking of sloppy. i just got an interesting returned certified letter i had sent to the ACAOM with 11 student signatures in oppostion to the FPD. they apparently never signed for it or picked it up from the post office. i really thought it went well with us, but they just want to move on i guess……probably deleted my name from their phone book.i think im going to send it back again just in principal. anyone else have this happen?

  11. I think there should be an annual

    OM award ceremony for Professional Organization which has shown the highest integrity for the year. The winner for 2010 would be ACAOM, hands down.
    For the category of Professional OM org’n. which has shown the most creativity in the definitions of “consensus” and “reasonable support”, again the clear winner is ACAOM.

  12. unifying or congealing?

    May CUM be on the tip of every AAAOM members tongue.  May every members breath release the fragrant magic that is CUM to the world, spreading the potent seed of AOM across the fertile landscape that is the public. 


  13. to answer your question


    Tobias Masters, founder of the SHAME and FEAR clinics, told me that he has been working very closely, in a hands on fashion, with various school owners to integrate his techniques into their curriculum.  Apparently, several school owners (he wouldn’t name names) had unbelievable results with his treatments, personally increasing their penis length from a feeble 2 inches to virile 3 inches in just a month!  They were extremely impressed and wanted to integrate his protocols as quickly as possible.  He said that many schools are going to use his model as the centerpiece of their FPD training, if and when that comes to pass. 

    SHAME, FEAR, the FPD and CUM- the future of AOM.  I hope you AAAOM-SO folks are following this.  That $1000 prize is mine!  I could use it for a third of an inch of growth for my recliner handle, but I’m doing the noble thing and giving it to HAFA as promised.  So many AAAOM acupuncturists in need.  It’s a SHAME. 


  14. Could this be private?

    OK, I laughed as much as anyone, this is very funny. Then next time I signed in, I realised this blog is PUBLIC! My patients range from 50-84 years old. When I send them their new patient packet, I refer them to this website for more information about community style acupuncture. The first thing they are going to see this month is this blog. I am just hoping they dont have the stamina to get through to the CUM part…..Nityamo

  15. what is the problem?


    You don’t think older people will like CUM?  I am suggesting, quite seriously mind you, a new acronym for the practitioners formerly known as CAMsters.  Hmmm….rhymes with hamsters.  Now we can call ourselves CUMsters.  Hey, that rhymes with dumpsters!  

    We’ve been on the sidelines too long.  Too long indeed and it’s been so painfully hard. 

    May the rising tide of CUM lift all boats.  

  16. it is so interesting (and

    it is so interesting (and nauseating) to me that this article wasn’t called the “all class, low budget clinic” or the “welcoming low budget clinic”…. god forbid anyone should think our budgetary choices were going to take us out of the “high class” category….yuck!

  17. ZF you are my hero!

    i love how they show their true colors in not only taking it down on their own site, but trying to bring their UMC patonizing demands over here to try to bully us into taking it down on our site. classic.



    Good health is not a measure of adapting to a sick society.

    When the power of love outshines the love of power, the world will know peace.

  18. Well, I am so glad to see

    Well, I am so glad to see that the CAN group is a bunch of professionals. You do realize that patients come to this site right? Is this really the perception that you want them to have about the profession? Bravo! You are holding true to your flaky reputation!

  19. I think it makes you guys

    I think it makes you guys look like a bunch of complete idiots having this on a supposedly professional organization page. Do you really think of yourselves as being professionals with garbage like this? I have always had respect for you guys…but yeah…thats gone now.

  20. us ‘guys’


    will be holding a memorial service for the death of Guest (not verified)’s repect this weekend at O’Malley’s Irish Tavern.  It will be a somber affair, much like the life of this complete loser.